Have you ever craved physical touch from a lover? Yes, I'm talking about the kind of urge that originates from the depths of our bodies. Let me tell you that you are not alone. We all need love and touch because it is one of the most basic needs that all our cells have.
But it can be a huge pressure to put on another person if we expect them to fill the void in us that needs love.
It is of course cliché to say: But the most important and deepest form of love is actually the love you give yourself.
Without being filled with love yourself, how can you expect to be able to give love to another person, and how can you expect another person to love you back if you do not even love yourself.
Ever since I can remember, I have always loved myself .
As a child I could play with myself for hours and have a lot of fun with myself. As I got older and looked at myself in the mirror, I loved what I saw. I loved my body, my breasts, my personality, my life and of course my sexuality. I was a stunningly beautiful girl and I was never bored in my own company.
Of course, I have sometimes had my complaints about my stomach, and at other times I have felt lonely among the group of friends at school. But overall, I have been happy to be who I am.
But then something happened that changed everything.
I had a copper IUD inserted in 2012 and it hurt like crazy. It felt like I lost connection with my lower body. It was as if my sexuality and my most sacred cunt had been locked away and I was trapped in my upper body with no grounding through my legs and feet.
It made me lonely in my body and I started to feel like I actually didn't like myself anymore.
When I got the copper IUD, I experienced a traumatic reaction that left me feeling alienated from myself.
I became numb and disconnected from my lower body and it felt like I was wearing heavy armor that locked around my pelvis.
I'm thinking here of a knight movie I once saw, where the princess had a breastplate locked around her entire abdomen. Only the man who had the key could unlock the breastplate.
Like the princess, I have been looking for a long time for the key to my own treasure chest between my legs.
I have tried to open her up by having sex again, massaging myself with a glass dildo and even using a jade egg . But I have found that I have overlooked something really important.
Instead of looking for quick fixes outside of myself, I think the key to this body armor is to understand why the body put it on in the first place. A breastplate is traditionally worn to protect oneself in battle, so it is clear that the body has been forced to wear this "armour" as a physical response to trauma. In my case it was the trauma of being invaded by a foreign object without my full understanding and permission of the pain it entailed.
The body can simply go into a fight, flight or freeze response that keeps the barricades up, even long after the traumatic event. If left untreated, it can lead to chronic pain, tension, or numbness in the pelvis, which makes it extremely difficult to be with yourself, a lover, or feel any pleasure during sex at all.
To make it clear, imagine your own body as a small fort. It will not let go of its defensive barricade unless it knows it is safe. That the war is over. It is therefore only when we feel safe and in a safe environment that our body and our nervous system can express all the emotions it holds. It can be anything from sadness to joy, pain to pleasure, fight to flight, anxiety to ecstatic orgasm!
Many of us may be walking around hoping that the prince on the white horse will come galloping in and save us and give us the love we so long for.
But I don't think the answer necessarily comes from outside a man (or a woman). But the truth is that we hold the key to our own happiness within ourselves!
I've found that even though I thought I was looking for the one true orgasm, I was actually looking for love and intimacy. Originally, my vagina felt invaded and unprotected, so of course I shouldn't try to invade her again with different toys - and a man's cock. It's not that simple. Instead, I would rather soothe my vagina, give her a break and let her feel protected and safe. To work together to make the body understand that it is safe now to come out of its protective armor.
So instead of waiting for a prince on a white horse to come and save us, let's take control and give ourselves the love and care that we deserve. Because who needs a prince when you can be your own queen?
The key to unlocking your pussy for pleasure and orgasms is self-love . The key is to be your own lover . To give oneself what one really longs for.
I have set out to be my own lover, and I want to inspire you, dear woman, to be that too.
I believe that true feminine empowerment and sexual liberation comes through self-love.
But how do you give love to yourself?
You've probably been told many times that self-love is important. And yes, it is really important. But how can you practice self-love in your everyday life?
Here I want to give you some tips on how you can practice self-love, namely through being your own lover. I want you to learn to give yourself so much love for yourself and your beautiful unique body.
4 tips for a practice of self-love:
1) Touch yourself more during the day
Touch your hands, intertwine with yourself, touch your arms, your face. And maybe run your fingers through your hair. Everything that can give you caresses and connect you lovingly to yourself and your body. And when you touch yourself, imagine that it is so gentle and loving like a lover.
2) Shower yourself with compliments
While looking at yourself in a mirror, say to yourself: "I love you", "You are beautiful", "You are lovely", "You are amazing", etc.
3) Date yourself
Just like you would date a guy or girl you like, date yourself. Each month have a date with yourself where you do something that you really look forward to. Feel free to put it in your calendar and look forward to this date. When you go on a date with yourself, do something extra about yourself, just like you would on a real date. Put on your hottest clothes where you just feel so beautiful and gorgeous. Put on your favorite perfume. Put on all your jewelry you own and use make-up - only if you're up to it, of course. But do something extra of yourself so that you really feel like a goddess. When you are on the date – it can e.g. be that you go out to eat with yourself and afterwards to the cinema - so feel free to touch yourself during the date. Touch your fingers and arms. Just show your body that you're doing it to have fun with yourself. Also allow yourself to treat yourself to dessert, a glass of red wine or popcorn at the cinema. Really just enjoy your own company.
4) Make love to yourself
Having regular sex with yourself is the greatest expression of self-love you can give. Make time to really love yourself. Touch yourself the way you would want a lover to touch you. So if it's a hug, hug yourself. If it's a kiss, kiss yourself on the palm. Take time to explore and touch yourself all over your body. And remember to breathe and sigh and move as if in deep love.
When you touch yourself sexually and sensually, you can of course quickly imagine that you are with a guy or girl you like or just the guy or girl of your dreams, but try to be present in your own body , and feel that you actually love yourself. You will find that when you continue to be present with yourself and your body, that it is really intimate and it can awaken a lot of emotions, including the hole in you that has been missing love. Making love with yourself is a practice in self-love. It doesn't just have to be orgasmic, but also a practice in nurturing the parts of you that lack love, presence and care.
Try if you can wait to touch your clitoris and genitals until you have touched yourself all over your body, and maybe even wait a few days until you venture to touch yourself there. Be curious and have an innocent approach to your pussy. You will notice that the more time you spend turning yourself on elsewhere on the body, the more sensitive and turned on you will be.
If you have trouble feeling sexual pleasure or having big orgasms, don't beat yourself up over the head. Instead, I would recommend that you take it as an opportunity to explore and get to know your body better. Treat yourself like you're actually dating yourself and take small steps every day to discover what turns you on and brings you joy. Be curious and open to new experiences and remember to have fun along the way!
By making love to yourself regularly, you can become familiar with how you like to be touched and what really turns you on. In this way, you will also be able to have sex better with a partner, because you know what feels good to you.
Have fun being your own lover!
I send you so much erotic love!
<3
Helen L.